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"From this town, the English army grind their teeth into glass..."
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Friday, November 18th, 2005
7:07 pm
So, it's another friday night, with the usual plans at hand. Which, I am more than happy about, these are the reasons that I look forward to the end of the week. I wish it wasn't the only time of the week that I get to see certain ppl, but uh, what are you gonner do? Rose came over today, we then trekked to Super Wal-mart, lol, and bought some shite. I got a bunch of stuff to concoct margarita's, I was totally thrilled. So, we came back, and I had like three, which was cool. I will probably end up having more before the night is up, I just don't want to get too kronked...I have to werk at 7 in the am. lol.

But, she ended up leaving here, and then I commenced to "compulsively cleaning" once again. lol. So, I am done now, and bored off my ass for probably like the next hour or so...and dealing with severe paranoia. lmfao. I have got to grow up sometime. *shrugs* Late.


current mood: paranoid!!!

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Monday, November 14th, 2005
7:28 pm
Lowes can suck a big cock. So can pretty much everyone else. Sorry for my pissed-off ness but uh, yeah, just can't help it. I am bored as fuck, and I have listed to Weezer for like the last fucking five hours. Which is definately kool, but uh, I had thot that I might do something worth doing on a day I have off. lol. So, I dunno. I think I am just gonner sit here, and get more pished, then maybe, go for a walk. Late.


current mood: okay

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Thursday, November 10th, 2005
12:22 am
I gotta say it, my last post was really fucking hilarious, by all means. I said what I said, and I won't go back on it, not now or ever. I do think there are a lot of immature idiots on LiveJournal, or should I say, LiveDrama, and uh, I had to speak my peace. I changed my listings of mates, and it is done. If I haven't you listed as a friend, take a fooking hike. Youknowworriemean? 'Sides, I haven't got time for anything but fun, happy times. lol.

Ok, so, I have come a realization of sorts, I am HIGHLY allergic to cats, well maybe not just "cats" but MY cat, lol. After I broke out in like, hives all over my neck, and my eyes turned bright fucking red, lol, I finally realised it. So, I do the smart thing, and avoid the fucker like the black plague. I am doing a good jawb too! But, then I am just sitting here, watching the grass grow...then all of a sudden Pussy Galore (cat) jumps up on my lap out of nowhere, I am like, "Hey now...go away." lol.

It looks at me like it wants to be adored, and just sits there. I politely move my knee and she jumps off. FIVE FUCKING MINUTES GO BY, and my right eye is starting to feel, dry like there is something in it, attacking me, lol, but...there is nothing. *shakes head* Now my throat itches, and I have realised, GOD HATES ME. lol. I love cats, no I LOVE LOVE LOVE cats and I can't even play with my own. Fuckers.

Oh well, plus the time has come for Myspace to piss me off, so I will be posting more frequently, cos honestea, there is a bunch of asshats on there. So, I am done dealing with crap, especially internet related bullshit for ppl who are just too fucktarded for their own good. So, *cheers.*


current mood: amused

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Friday, November 4th, 2005
2:00 am - Kompulsively Kleaning + Blur + Fags = Really Great Time
I gotta say, I have just been reading random ppl's livejournals, and myspaces over the past several decades of moments. I have come to an epiphany of sorts...I hate to say it. But, mostly everyone is severly lame. lol. I have to admit, I am much fucking kooler than the majority. It also seems that when I am in someones presence, they are slightly kooler than usual. lol. Man, I am sure I sound like a fucking megalomaniac. But, I assure you, I am not. It's just, I have been tossing around these thots in me head, and I just realise, I have a really positive effect on ppl, probably cos of me daft hilarity. Whether one likes to admit it or not, I really do add a +1 morale bonus, to lots of ppls lives, now...and in the past. So, dammit, I am good ppl.

Other than the obvious, I have been just jamming for most of the night. I think I listened to Blurs' self titled album, oh, about five times since I got off work. I really love that cd, it's just so great. What I don't get tho, is how there is actually ppl, a multitude even, that find Blur, well, not-so-attractive. lmfao. I guess, it just takes a special person(s) to really appreciate their music. Hell, it is some of the greatest...but also, the weirdest...I must say.

So, I am just standing there in me bathroom, and I am all like, "Hey, this place needs kleaned up a bit." So, I started cleaning and shite. Then I am like, "Oh, what a fresh coat of paint on this trim wouldn't do for this room!"

LOL. This is just my severe compulsiveness coming out. I must say tho, it looks mighty fine. 'Sides, I really enjoy painting, I think I always have. I may even do some, faux finishing in there, just becos, I have got all the time in the world, for about four days of the week. So, why not do something painfully useful with it...youknowworrimean? Eh, maybe not. lol.

But, I really am so happy to be finally breaking my, "cycle" so to speak. lol. The cycle of an abundance of an amount of time, in which I do nothing. This is why I just LOVE weekends. Good times are apon me. Plus, I think I may even play DnD this sunday. Which will be just great, my sword has so much to be done to it, I think I might even be able to grant it a "special ability" very soon. I think I will give it the ability to talk. Hell, it is all fucking powerful, why not a voice as well?

But, at this point I don't have anything to say really, I have pretty muched talked myself into a frenzy. All I can say is, I really cannot wait to see Ryan, I just...really enjoy his company, I 'spose. Yes, I definately do.


current mood: cheerful

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
11:09 pm
Ok, So it is like ten after eleven, and I am bored off my ass, and procrastinating getting me shite done...so, I figured, "What better time to post, than right now?" lol. *shakes head* I was on myspace today, and there is so many cock-faces on there. They post the GAYEST fucking bullitons of all time. Actually, like two ppl. I won't disclose their names, but if you post shit like, "I am this guy," or "Hey...come look at my pictures and post." Then you know who you fucking are. That kinda bullshite nauseates me. Sweet fucking christ people, how gay is that, asking for someone to post. lol.

Well, aside from that, werk was gay AND fucking sad. Ed was the closing manager, and that meant, we had to stay 'till ten. I was done, with everything at like 8:30, therefore, I was highly pished. But it is kool, this week is almost over, and I have the weekend off. So thank the glass blower for that one. Besides, I think that I am jamming with Lealer tonight, Ryan tomarrow night, and some other mates on Saturday at the Bar. So, good times.

"My Chemical Romance" = Faggots. lol. Just thot I'd clue you in. Fuck them. It's Blur or bust. Then a few other sweet-ass bands, and then everyone else can suck ass. Litrally. Late.


current mood: bitchy

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
10:31 pm
Honestly, today turned out to be a pretty half decent day. After I went to werk I was totally pished, and all hopped up on speed, lol. So, I felt like I was having multiple anxiety attacks, and I was all fucking nauseated and shite. lol. One of the lovely perks of taking a handful of vivirins. Not really speed, but for the amount I take, pretty damned close. So, then all this paint came in to put away, and I was all over it. lol. I got it put up in like 25 min.'s, I just totally outdid myself, once again. lmfao. So, I took a break, and jammed with some of me werk mates. It was kool.

Then, me mum showed. Which, didn't really surprise me, I kinda fucking figured she would. So, after that highly awkward, anxious situation passed...I was totally fucked off, for what I thot to be the rest of the night. After all that shite went down with "everyone" like, say, two months back, I have exempted myself from everyone, and living the fucking way I want to. Whether anyone likes it or not, and dammit, I am fucking happy. So, piss on 'em.

So, I am like all itching to go and off somebody somewhere, who knows? Lol, I was just angry, and irritated. So, I go to lunch, smoke about ten fags, and started to feel slightly relieved. About an hour passed, and I called Ryan, didn't hear from him, so I was saddened. Well, then he kulled me back, and I felt like totally 100% better about everything. My bad mood was lifted, and I felt humane again. Funny how that works, you hear from someone that you really care about, and it all goes away. No matter how bad you think you're doing. That is what I love about mates. They're here for you, and if they're not here for you, they're there for you. LMFAO. *Cheers* to Aaron on that one. He is such a beast. So, now I am knocking back a lager, and I am just fine. So, good for me. lol.

Ok, now for the info on the party me dad held fer me. It was the beast!!! And all me mates attended, good times. We all dressed up too, here is list:
Me~ Morticia Adams (lol, from a little nudging from me dad, and werk mates...) It turned out, fucking awesome.
Ryan~ Satan. lol. He is such a sexy beast.
Lealer~ Butterfly. She looked so cute, definately the sexiest butterfly I have ever seen. lmao.
Bean~ Well, he was going to dress up, but decided against it. I hear he was going to be a "sharonite," that would have been HIGH cool.
Rose~ I'm gonna say, Donna Reed, or some chic from the 40's or 50's. Excellent fucking costume.
Aaron~ Pirate. Jesus christ, I have NEVER in all of my days, ever remember seeing a costume so fucking accurate. I hate pirates, and I thot it was a fucking RAD costume!!! Apparantly, his fam was involved with the theatre and shite, so that is how he had the means...
Constancia~ Butterfly. She was hilarious, I can't express with werds...the face paint, and the eyelashes. lol. EXCELLENT.
Estuardo~ Clint Eastwood. LMFAO. He is such a fucking MEXICAN. lol. RAWK ON.

We had a REDICULOUS amount of alcohol. Seems that Bud Select, and my Signiture Blackberry Merlot, were of course, the favourites. Some of us were pretty tipsy by the end of the night, but it wore off and we saved our energy, to hang out some more. It was a great time, I have to say, the best birthday I can remember. All me mates were there, it is just the first year of my life, where I actually feel like things are going 90% perfect. Just the way I want it. So, here's to me mates...*cheers*.

PS~ When Ryan gives me the foto's I shall post them, we were the fucking beasts!!!


current mood: chipper

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

10:42 am
Did I mention to anyone how fucked off I am over having to work today? There is so much more I could be doing; sleeping, drinking, jamming with Rose, and anyone else who shows... Yeah, the fucking day of drinking...comenced, and I am fucking working. Plus, I think I am getting a sinus cold or something. lol. Just thot I would bitch about that, cos I have nothing better to do at 11 am. lol.


current mood: pissed off

(2 Wankers Smell of Puke and Piss)

Thursday, October 27th, 2005
4:23 pm
All this talk about the new Blur album has really got me head spinning. I am extremely excited about it, to be quite honest. Though it is all the negativity surrounding it, that really pishes me off. Ok, I understand that Damon and Graham have been friends for what seems forever, and they did wonderfully in the band. But, it just was NOT for Graham, at all. Though, I think that Graham is in fact a genious guitarist, I do not believe that he was on the same level, musically, that Damon WAS and IS. He just could not connect like Damon could. Hell, if you look back into their younger years, when they first met, Graham was introducing Damon to the current jams, and there was Damon, listening to stuff that no one had heard of. To me, that is brilliance, backed by brilliance.

Which brings me to my next point, everyone is proclaiming that the music is showing how terrible Blur is doing now that Graham is gone. Bullshite. I am not going to sit here and say that Think Tank is the best album ever produced...but it was a good one. Furthermore, if there is anything showing, it is because of the lack of FRIENDSHIP in my opinion. I really don't think Graham had a whole hell of a lot of say-so in their music. It was Damon, and Stephen Street who had the majority of the input, Damon especially. Let me explain how I have come to this mere understanding of sorts. Everyone knows that music is an outlet for emotions, personality, and inner hardships. I believe that when Damon was at his lowest when 13 was produced, because of his mishaps with Justine Frischmann...and it showed. As it is right now...current events equalling the loss of a good friend, and bandmate. To me, that is the only true reason as to why the music may be showing sufferage. Besides, if Graham can't be a good sport about things, then fuck 'em. I hope he never comes back.

Then Damon's true organ skills will prevail!!!

current mood: amused

(2 Wankers Smell of Puke and Piss)

Monday, October 24th, 2005
11:48 am
Ok, so to be quite honest, over the last like four years, (hell maybe even more...) I have been enjoying the preferred music of choice, but just not researching it whatsoever. So, I get this bout of energy, and interest to look up as many articles, quotes, and facts about Damon Albarn as possible.

First let me explain this. I have always been the type of person, ever since I mentally developed at least, to just enjoy the music. Listening to it has always been good enough for me. Being a fan, or even the biggest fan does not mean that one must possess the best fucking trivial knowledge of their preferred band. Instead, be able to relate to the MUSIC in such a way that nothing else really matters. Cos that is what is all about after all, the music...right? Well, fuck off if you don't agree. lol.

Now, I'll continue...I am reading this article somewhere, I was so completely tired at the time, I just cannot even remember where it came from. I think I know, but I will not post a link, not until I know for sure, of course. I have spent most of my life thinking a little low of blur, just for the fact that they classify themselves as, "art pop." Art, yeah that is all good and fine, and I can totally understand how they can claim it, but pop? What the hell? When I think pop I think...Backstreet boys, and all that shite. Not blur. NO not ever blur.

But, they brought a little light to me that cold, cold night, not all that long ago. The source proclaimed that in Britain, rock is a dirty word, while over here in hell...er USA, pop is the word that is dirty. Mostly because of statements just like mine above. Though, when reviewing a band how many times has one seen that statement being, "Rock is a dirty word..." attatched to the name of said band. Numerous I am sure. This just leads me to believe that everyone is biased to a certain extent, which really goes without being said. Still, I think that pop is shite, but at least I now understand what it is to Britain. Therefore, I can totally agree with damon's statements, much alike, "I am going to prove once and for all that pop is not dead." Well, now he finally has my vote... not just my admiration.

current mood: hopeful

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Saturday, October 1st, 2005
3:03 pm
Ok, so here I am, a day after the fact, and I feel like a changed individual, yes, most certainly changed. I never thought in a million years, I would ever get a chancer to see Oasis in the flesh...and I did. After all these years of love, and severe dedication to knowing the true sentimental antiquities of music. I did it...and they were gods.

Well, let me specify here, Liam was in fact GOD. A jedi. A man of substance, and talent, and well...maybe he is just, "A fookin' singer in thar band mate, youknowworrimean?" I was just absolutely impressed by his mannerisms, and I love him, now, more than ever. No, I probably won't go back to the "worshipping" I commenced in back in the day, but that I think is because of my age. I love them, and they are the "warm center" of the universe. I would go as far to say, I now truly do, "love them" more than Blur. I don't know why, but, I do.

Liam...lets put it this way, is God. He stood up there, and hardly broke a sweat singing their songs, and hardly displayed any kind of emotion whatsoever, which of course INTENSIFIED his "God status." They played a good majority of the classics. I was much happified by this, I couldn't have done without them. Though, I am sure they are sick and tired of performing them. But, they are the songs that made them, so it is the least they can do, in my opinion. I was on the verge of tears the entire time, from lack of understanding how I got that far, and SEVERE happiness, of course.

They were amazing, it is really the only word I can contrive at this moment in time to explain how perfect their performance was. I would like to become a fucking groupie, and go to every show. How wonderful that would be. All I can say it, if ever they come around again, just fucking go. It is SO worth it, besides, how else are you going to get to see Jesus Christ play a guitar?


current mood: impressed

(2 Wankers Smell of Puke and Piss)

Sunday, September 18th, 2005
1:11 pm - That's What's up...
Sorry for not posting lately, to anyone who gives two shits. I have been jamming on myspace mostly, I really don't like it all that much. It is like, gay and sad compared to LJ but, whatever. There is a shithouse of people there and what not. More than likely I am going to be doing a serious changeover on my journal, so be prepared...lol. I have been working on a new layout for some time now, but being that I am somewhat of a "perfectionist" it has to meet my standards as of yet. So, once I get that done, I will more than likely be found on here more often. Maybe, so peace.


current mood: discontent

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Sunday, September 4th, 2005
1:33 pm - "Say it Ain't So..."
Ok, well, yesterday was another one of those fantabulous days in that, "Man I really needed to just jam around kind of ways." lol. I got up, had a hangover for a bit, but it wasn't all that bad, considering I lived like a wino the night before, anymore beer is the only thing that makes me feel like my insides have been dispelled. lol. So, after about two hours, I was kool. I was just jamming around, playing Dungeon Siege, talking to Lealer, talking to Betts, again...it was a damn good time.

Still, I wondered what would happen with the rest of my day... would I find myself playing DnD somewhere, or at home playing Dungeon Siege, awaiting nightfall, so I can party or go walking...er something? Lol. My life.

So, Aaron gives me a call, he asks if I want to play DnD as those two new commoners that we created last time we played. I was all for it. Everyone online had left me, and I had already been playing Dungeon Siege for like, three hours...I needed a bit of a scenery change. AYE!

So, I fold some laundry, get ready-ish, and he shows up and we head out only after we torchure me sister for a bit. lol. We head out to his and Roses place and play DnD for a bit, then his hangover finally kicks in...and he is forced to sit it out. lol. So, I just played Dungeon Siege for like six hours. Trust me, I had no problem with that. I love that game, probably more than Final Fantasy, not FFIX, but that is cos of the heavy sentimental attachment I have to it. lol. Honestly though, this is the best game I have EVER played.

So, then Rose came home from werk, and she was all pumped to take over the world and get drunk again and do whatever! WOOT! Lol, then she fell asleep. Oh well, she was tired, so it was kool. We tried waking her up, and throwing cats at her, and other stuff, but she was out. So, Aaron and I headed off to TWH (Truck World Hell) and got a cup of coffee (or 10.) We spake of things that mattered, lol, things that MUST be said. lol. Like, DnD, Dungeon Siege, our characters armor, the next villiages we would be travelling to. It dawned on me right then and there, that I am an extreme nerd to like, the 100th power. I am sure there are worse, but WOW I am bad. lol.

*shakes head* So, is he. lol. Well, anyroad, I think today, I am having a "Britannia day" unless someone just shows up on me doorstep, or like kulls me er something, I probably won't be doing too much. Just Dungeon Siege, then walking, then Riunite. Yah, that stuff is nice. Then, bed. Why? Because I can DAMMIT!


current mood: geeky

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
12:46 pm - Ah, The Joys of Evil...
Last night was fucking AWESOME!!!! Okay, so let me begin. So, I come home from work and I am like, "Welp, THREE DAYS OFF WOOOOOOOOOT!" Yah, Bizzzzatch's, life is geerrrrate. lmfao.

Then, I am jamming with my dad, and the fone rings, its "The name of the Rose" and she wants to jam. I am like, "Absoloootely." So, I take a quick nap and rest up a bit, then she shows up at me door. We are still undecided as to what to do.

So, when all else fails, we get kronked. lol. First, we called; Constancia then headed back to Roses apartment. Much to my happiness, Aaron was there and he was heading out to come looking for us. lol. So, we grabbed him, got ready, jammed to Weezer (aka GODS) and went to this pub in Hubbard, Pagz. It was really fun, fun, fun. I didn't know anyone there very much, at least not very well...lol. I mean, I see them at Rose and Aaron's apartment place from time to time. That is about it. Some dude like 35 yrs old, wanted it Constancias pants REAL bad. lol. He hit on me first, but, I was not very nice so he left me alone. lol. We left after they kariokied. It was KOO.

So, this is where the kronked part comes into play. We came back to me house and got 150% fucking smashed. lol. It was fucking INSANE. AYE! I drank like soooo much wine, I don't even understand how I am still alive. Ahhh, the joys of wine. I LOVE wine. Riunite. It is GODLIKE. So, put Weezer, Ruinite, and good friends into a blender...what do you get....being passed out on the living room floor. Oh yeah, after being slightly ill. lol. Cos eh, don't forget, not eating a whole lot, shite loads of medication and absense of healthy sleep are bad when mixed with alcohol. But, thats OKAY! Cos, I plan on doing it again tonight! WOOT!


current mood: refreshed

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Thursday, September 1st, 2005
6:53 pm
I think my goal for this evening is to see how long I can go without passing out. lol. That is what I have been doing for like the past three nights straight, coming home and passing out, for like three hours. eh. It is so pissing me off. I cannot continuously do this. I will never, ever get sleep when I need it. Not that I will anyway, I will just stay up, cos I don't want to sleep, for some reason, when it is time for me to go to bed, I am magically, "no longer tired."

Work was retarded again today. I thot that stupid asshole stalker of mine had given up, but I was wrong, he was at his stupid games again. I'm scared of him. I don't know what to do. He is disgusting. I don't want to talk to him. I just wish he would disappear, or maybe forget that I even exist. Sometimes when ppl like you it is kind of funny or flattering, like, for instance the Mexicans, they are all horney, cockroaches but it is humorous cos all they do is look and smile. Which, is harmless. The other guy, he is just downright rude, dirty, and violating. One more word, and well I dunno, I already contacted management, what the hell should I do next...lol, chop his legs off and run them through a wood chipper?

*cringes* What a creature. *shakes head* Anyroad. Tomarrow is another day, and I have a THREE DAY WEEKEND ahead of me, I plan on:
- Taking my car to the shop
- Talk to Betts
- Fantasize about Betts (lol)
- Sleeping
- Getting Kronked
- Playing with Rose and Aaron
- Hoping Lealer will want to jam
- DnD Forever!!!!##%#@%%$%^^YRAWK WOOOT
- Go to Gabrielle Brothers with Mikey and maybe others...NEW CLOTHES, this means I might find tight cool clothes! lol

So, I have my whole weekend planned already, I hardly know what to do with myself...ah, but I will tell you this. I do want a "Sobe No Fears" really bad. I dunno why, lol.


( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
12:38 am
So, work just plain fooked me off today. Lol. It really didn't start off all that bad to be quite honest. Then, as the day progressed, it just continually worsened. The people I work with, with the exception of two methinks, are just royal fooking wankers. *shakes head* I do enjoy this Remerch thoroughly, don not get me wrong, but not the fact that the common sense only lies in like three people, for instance. At first, I was skeptical of one of the newb's but, I have since changed me mind, Tom is definately a kool old man. He is just new, plus he tries really hard. Too bad that one dood Erik; went to the nite krew, he was kool too, he was a hard worker, I don't mind someone that has a bit of common sense and likes getting their hands dirty here and there, so I don't have to do everything 'oll of the time. lol. It just plain gets OLD. So all went well, until we were deemed the "Garbage Detail Lords" lol, which really didn't matter to me, cos it critically needed done. I mean, there had to be like, 15 pallets of cardboard about 6' high a piece, eh, it was amazing. I have YET to see more fooking cardboard in me life at one time, (it was from the Kitchens Reset.)

So, I started taking it back to Recieving and putting it in 'El Compactor cos I didn't really have much else to do, for I had already gotten everything else the Store Manager wanted finished. Then, there I was...fighting with these heavy ass boxes, I look over and I see Micky, one of my fellow Remercher's, just standing around with her thumb up her ass. I am like, "Oh, eh, I do NOT think so...lol." So, I told her to get her ass over there and give me a hand. Lona, my boss, started laughing, she knows how anal I am. So, I start dragging this crap back to Receiving, and I get back there, and Carlos, some stoopid, dumbass, uncle-fucker, stalker of mine (also a Remercher) is playing with 'El Compactor, along with Danny, who I really don't mind...but Danny still gets on my nerves, he is just, a hopeless, box. lol. *shakes head* So, at that point, I wanted to blow the place up.

To make a very long, and drawn out story short they ducked out on time without contacting Lona, and Renie and I got stuck staying and finishing the job. But, not really me, cos I had a doctor's appt. Which I was late for anyway, so I should have stayed. lol. But, oh well, too late now. Oh well, I will make them ALL pay tomarrow DEARLY.


So, I come home after the doc appt. and he up's my meds, again. He thinks they will help me sleep. I can't really blame him tho, I do need more rest. The only time I ever sleep is when I get so tired that I am ready to die, lol. Then, I sleep at the strangest hours so I am sick, then it continues to throw my body off track even worse...so, lets hope that this "new dosage" does the magical trick. *winks*


Talked to Bett's today, actually, I have been talking to Bett's almost everyday, since like, I think last saturday and I am very happy to report, that I am very happy about us. As a matter of a fact, I don't recall being this relaxed, or feeling this much at self-peace in years. It really does give me something to wake up to everyday. I think that we are really good for one another, we bear a lot of similarities, yet not, for some reason, I think that things were supposed to be like this. *smiles*


current mood: giggly

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
12:29 am
Hmmm, my dr's office is a piece of crap. I go there today, and I tell them, "Hi, I'm Jessica Pawluk, here to see Doc so and so, at 5:30." They look at me like I'm nuts...and say, "Well, he is not here right now, actually, he left for the day."

After much mindless banter, we come to find my appointment was actually tomarrow and not today. The assholes TOLD ME the wrong day when I set up the appt. *smacks forehead* What a waste of time...

So, it will be like a week and a half now that I have been without my Zoloft, ugh. I'm not happy about this whatsoever, but there is not too much I could do! I had to wait until I had an appt, and honestly I can definately feel a difference when I am not on it, and I don't like it at all. *shakes head* I hope I get some soon. I'm starting to get pretty sleepy tho, I think all this "not sleeping" is starting to catch up with me. I injested so much stimulants in the past few days, I started to go numb, lol. I wish I could just succumb to a normal sleeping pattern or even better yet, go back to nights...ah, the wonderous nightshift! At least there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...WEEKENDS OFF!!!!!! WOOT!

Well, I gotta go now, and think...before I say things that I embarrass myself with.

current mood: pleased

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Monday, August 29th, 2005
12:42 am
Ok, so today was an insanely strange, fucked up, totally out of whack, not as planned day. To be honest, I HATE it when things do not go as planned. lol. Terribly. So, there I was, I woke up, at a ripe hour of like eight am, and was checking my email and such, feeling just fine and dandyish, lol...besides the pounding headache and terrible stomach ache. lol. Other than that, lol life was splendiforous. Ever since last night happened, I feel like a human being again, so thanks Jesus for that one.

Then, I hear a car door slam and my mind is in total disarray, I am like, "hmm, I didn't think the ATF came during these hours..." lol. Nope, it was Aaron, and he decided that he couldn't handle going a week without a little bit of DnD, and Rose was at work...so I was like, "OKAY!!!" lol.

We mapped out these two new characters that are insanely hilarious...they are like Bill and Ted, or Cheech n Chong, or better yet, Banky and Holden. LMMFAO. It was absolutely priceless. So, I did end up naming my character Banky, I was a bit in a toss up over it though, I wanted to name him Brody, but I just love the name Banky, and he was so much more full of hate. Well, at least I think so anyway.

So, these guys are in a valiant stupor running around scared, just football hooligans, if you must. It was HYSTERICAL. I mean, to truly understand the context of the storyline, one would have had to played this campaign to understand what went on with the undead taking over our town and what not, and how Banky and Mucker (Aaron's character) took like all the credit for killing them, and got a "badge of valor." lol. I shall go into more detail in my other journal methinks, or maybe I will just write a fucking novel for this one, it is THAT funny. Long live Banky and Mucker. lol. The biggest assholes in existence. They can take on ANYTHING. lol, like "saving 15 children from a burning orphanage." Insanity I tell you.

So, it was fun, but I really didn't think that it would take, like, uh I don't know, eight hours. LOL. But well, DnD usually does. So, we got done around 7:30 or 8:00 and I decided to just rest and play some Dungeon Sege until Rose came back from the neighbors apartement so they could take me home, as planned. Well, I was not home apparantly and some other friends stopped by who I thought I was contacting via phone. But, uh, I guess not, so I never got a hold of them and couldn't find a way home until a bit later. I feel bad but, I figured when I woke up today, and saw how awesome it was outside, I was gonner take off so...I did. So, uh, I dunno, maybe next time, hell, I think we need cell phones, and Hubbard needs to not be long distance. But at least Rose still let me use her phone. ughh...I'm going to bed. Tiredness.

Lastly, I just wanted to confirm my severe happiness and good mood has yet to wear off. So, thank god.

current mood: cheerful

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Sunday, August 28th, 2005
3:53 am
*clears throat* I'm very, very tired. (For once) lol. It uh, really doesn't happen all that often, and when it does, I plan on taking full advantage of it...especially when it comes naturally.

More than likely, cos I am in a genuinely good mood for once IN MY LIFE! yay. But, uh, on that note I will go to bed, and dream of Assassins chasing down commoner's and smile. For tomarrow will be a DnD'less day, sad time indeed. *shakes head* oh well. Onward, I'm so tired my head is about to smack my keyboard so I must go, but I though I should convey my happiness to the rest of the world. So, now that I have. G'night mates.


Betts is the BEASTMASTER...lol.

current mood: jubilant

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

Saturday, August 27th, 2005
11:49 pm
*Takes very deep breath* It has been a long, long day my friends. lol. A long day indeed. I will feel relieved when I meet a much needed alcohol-induced dream state. I hope to commence in this very soon.

I am almost hating the fact of being with the living right now, *shakes head* I really hate saying things like that though, cos at the present time...I know it is out of a spat of depression, and nothing more. But, what else would be the cause? lol. At least tomarrow I can see Lealer, and Bean it has been a great while since we have spent time together, and I need a bit of a change from the current circumstances. What can I say? I think life might be getting me down...hrrmmm.

But, this is the only time, in a very long time I can honestly say that when life has gotten me down, I have wanted to just move on and forget about it. Yes, I am very, deeply disturbed over the current circumstances...considering I am obsessive, and a "dweller" I am trying really hard. I just need a good sit down with my therepist, and I think I might be decently okay. It might even seem like I am trying to talk myself out of being upset, but I really don't see anything wrong with that, it is a lot better than the "woah is me" bullshit I normally put on.

Err. I hate dramatic encounters, especially when it is my fault. lol. Then, well, it just makes me feel like even more of an uncle-fucker. So, tonight my Aunt calls me and is pissed cos I "dropped off the face of the earth."

I tried to explain my current circumstances, with say, lack of DEPRESSION MEDS and all and how that can effect an individual, and lack of SLEEP and what results that may bear. I think she got the picture. It saddens me when my family gets a hair up their ass...if they only knew how fucking hard I try to be normal. *shakes head* I don't think they ever really will. Besides, I think being normal is so overrated. *drinks blood*


Well, that didn't help things. Work doesn't help things. My insurance company doesn't help things. My non-existent sleeping pattern doesn't help things. Being overly paranoid 98% of my life doesn't help things. Having a lack of Psychiatrists in the valley doesn't help things. WTF. I dunno man. There may be no help for the weary...

*draws rainbows*


current mood: grumpy

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

12:12 am
I would like to sit down and take this time to reflect apon myself, both good and bad. lol. More than likely, I will read and reread this like ten times, and Lealer will read this too, but well, that is about it. lol. I don't have too many fans apparantly anymore.

I feel that over the past three months or so I have been developing into a new person, probably for the better. I just hadn't realised it yet, unfortunately, I depend on people for moral fiber and what not, and they don't appreciate these things. I feel as if I have really hurt some people I care about over it, more than likely, cos I show my feelings too much but, I can't help it. I have always been one to wear my heart apon my sleave.

Which brings me to my next point, which isn't one to be proud of, I have what I like to call, somewhat of the "lowest self-esteem in the world." Honestly, I don't understand why, cos I am not equipped with too horrid of looks, character, and all that jazz...it just doesn't add up, I just don't think I am all that great. YET, I go around treating a lot of people I care about, like total crap, and the people I get upset with, or dislike like they are dogmeat. I feel I do these things to better my ego, cos it is all I really have to fuel myself to regain a little poise. I am not saying it makes it right, it is just why I do it, that is just my reasoning, wrong or right, IT IS MY REASONING!!!

Lastly, I am a VERY jealous individual, this has proved true and strong on more than one occasion, I hate it, but I have serious difficulty controlling it. I really honestly do. I hate hurting my friends, I love my friends, I wish they could understand this. I wish they could understand how sorry I am for being so selfish all of the time, always worrying about myself...

Even though we all spend the majority of our lives wrapped up in our own needs, I have to admit, I still put my friends and loved ones before myself. lol, I am sure that sounds funny. I know it does to me, but much truth it does hold.

I guess what all of this self loathing and declaration is really about is me reaching a strongpoint here. I am trying to change and better myself, towards a new tomarrow, or better yet...today. If you care, if not, whatever... I thought maybe the world might be interested I am tired of being a hermit, cockfaced asshole. Peace.

Please tell me if I am a dick from here on out, it is the only way I can truly start being a better individual. lol.


current mood: exhausted

( Smell of Puke and Piss)

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